Be “Dad” first, then “Coach”
While I feel like every kid who comes to Bash is one of "my kids", biologically, I only have two kids of my own. Without a clue how this has happened, they are now 35 and 32 years old. It has been years since I was involved as a dad with youth sports. But I remember much of it like it was yesterday.
I started coaching when my son began youth baseball at Welles Park, at 7 years old. For the first couple of years, I got swept up in the thinking many young coaches get swept up in. I wondered how other parents would feel about the way I coached their kids and my philosophies on coaching baseball in general. I worried about the kids, how they were developing, and whether they were enjoying playing. If I’m being honest, I was concerned about winning and how our team’s performance might reflect on me.
Last, but in no way least, I thought a lot about coaching my own son. Where I played little league no fathers coached. So I approached coaching my own son with some trepidation that other dads probably didn't feel. For them it was familiar.
As time went on, many of my concerns dissipated. Most parents embraced the way I coached and truly appreciated the time and effort I put in. I spent time learning how to teach the game to kids and our players were clearly having a great time. I stopped worrying about our record and lo and behold, our teams won more often.
The only thing that didn’t change was my concern about coaching my own son. Being a Dad/Coach can be challenging – that is, if you care about your child learning and developing AND you care about your relationship with him or her.
I looked around at other coaches and saw too many who clearly didn’t give a moment of thought to the complexities of that dual role. The way they spoke, or often yelled and derided their own kids on the field made that obvious. In fact, it was watching those coaches that made me realize what my priorities should be in terms of my own son.
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I’ve spent over 25 years getting a firsthand look at Dad/Coaches. In my opinion, far too few of them think about how those two roles can often be in conflict. If you are going to coach or have already started to coach your own child I strongly suggest you give your priorities and process some thought. At the end of your child’s playing days – whenever that arrives – you won’t be his or her coach any more, but you will still be his or her dad. The last thing you want is for your coaching to negatively impact the relationship you have with your kid or to make their experience stressful.
In no particular order, here are a few other thoughts to help keep the familial seas smooth, both on the field, and at home:
Your kid doesn’t see you as “coach”. You are Dad. Period. Not Dad first, just Dad. So if you go off on him or her, they’re not thinking, “coach is unhappy with me”, they’re thinking, “Dad is unhappy with me”.
You want your child to develop as a player, both physically and mentally. But first you want your child to develop a love for the game.
All of us seem to have the capability to be harder on our own kid than someone else’s. I’ve heard it time and again and experienced that myself. Don’t be. Your child shouldn’t be penalized because you’re his coach.
On the other hand, don’t be quick to make your child the pitcher, the shortstop and the leadoff hitter on your house league team. Perhaps your kid really is the best player on the team. It’s still a bad look to other parents and can also be to teammates. Give him/her bench time and innings in the less glamorous positions like everyone else. No one likes the teacher’s pet. Don't put your child in that position.
Leave the game at the field. Some parents may want to talk about the game for as long and as much as you do. However, coaches tend to re-think games for longer than most others. Give your kid a break. Don’t include him or her in your rehashing. When the game ends, if your son or daughter starts a conversation about it, go ahead and engage. If they don’t, give yourself a break and think about something else. It will be good for both of you.
When your son or daughter asks to play catch with you or asks you to hit grounders or flies, resist the temptation to make every drop or bad throw a teaching moment. Sometimes your child just wants to spend time playing with you. Just play. Have a conversation about non-baseball/softball things while throwing the ball to each other. Years later, those will be your happiest memories.