Raise good self-reliant adults
We live in a time where helicopter parents have been overtaken by snow plow parents. Helicopter Parents jump in to solve a situation for their kids without letting them figure it out or advocate for themselves. Snow Plow Parents (or Lawn Mower or Bulldozer Parents) want to create a clear path for their children’s success in anything they endeavor. The idea is their youngsters should never have to encounter and overcome any obstacles in their lives.
I'm relatively sure that Helicopters and Snow Plows never see themselves as being those types of parents, so this might be a good time for self-reflection.
I’ve begun to see the unintended consequences of both helicoptering and snow plowing, as kids who grew up in the 1990’s have reached their 30s. I’ve seen everything from 30-something year olds expecting their parents to help pay their mortgage to young parents needing way too much help on a regular basis from Mom and Dad to take care of their own children. Being a parent can be hard, but it's harder for people who never had to learn to push through difficult things growing up.
Few parents actually want their adult kids to be reliant on them like that. Yet, in many cases their parenting paved the way for exactly that.
Contrast the examples above with these two cases:
At 27, a young woman decided to go back to school full-time to pursue a Master's degree and change careers. She was living on her own. And although many of her friends were still living in their parents' homes or moving back into them to "save for a house", she never considered moving home or asking her parents for money. She worked evenings and weekends at a restaurant, with school during the day.
At 23, a recent college grad made a decision to move to Seattle to train with someone who specialized in getting people ready to go into military special forces. One day later, he secured a job with a couple of phone interviews. When his father asked if he had a place to live, he said, "I'll find one when I get there." Two days later, he got on a plane to Seattle. Within days of arriving, he rented a room in a house.
I'm proud to say the above are my kids' stories. My wife and I are children of people who grew up in The Great Depression. I consider myself lucky that they taught us not to rely on them, but rather to be rely on ourselves. In turn, we taught our kids the same things. Their stories are unusual these days, but they shouldn't be. In my opinion, there is nothing a parent can do for a child that's more important than giving him/her the tools to be a responsible, self-reliant adult.
So... what can you do, in your role as a sports parent, to help your child learn to stand on their own two feet?
Don’t talk to the coach on your child’s behalf. Teach your child to advocate for themselves. If you're unhappy about your child's playing time or position, but your child isn't, let it go. However, if your player is unhappy, encourage him or her to initiate a player/coach/parent meeting, where the player does the talking. You can and should teach your child how to talk to the coach. "Ask Coach what you can do to_____” (fill in the blank with the appropriate concern; play more, play a certain position, etc.) If your child is younger than 12 or 13, you can be present at that meeting. But make it clear to the coach that your child will do the talking. For very young players 7 or 8, give the coach a heads up that your child wants a conversation, so he or she can help make the talk go smoothly.
Don't blame the umpire for bad calls. Of course, you should NEVER yell at an umpire. I'm sure I don't have to explain why. Buy also, after the game is over, don't tell your child that he or she struck out or their team lost because the ump made a bad call. There are plenty of reasons one team won or lost a game or a hitter wasn't successful at bat. Teach your child to accept the umpire's calls. Life is unfair sometimes, but truly successful people know how to find ways to be successful despite bad breaks, difficult bosses or poor luck. A child who understands that they have control over how they deal with obstacles and overcome them will grow up to be resilient and confident in their abilities.
Let your kid fail. I've written a lot about this but I'll let a psychologist and parenting expert explain it from her perspective. According to Dr. Stephanie O'Leary, clinical psychologist and author of Parenting in the Real World: The Rules Have Changed, failure is essential for kids. Experiencing failure helps your child learn to cope, a skill that's required in the real world. Having to overcome failure also instills the need for hard work and sustained efforts, and demonstrates that these traits are valuable even without a first place trophy waiting at the end. Over time, children who have experienced defeat build resilience and are more willing to attempt difficult tasks and activities because they're not afraid to fail. On the other hand, rescuing your child sends the message that you don't trust him or her. Dr. O'Leary writes, "Your willingness to see your child struggle communicates that you believe they are capable and that they can handle any outcome, even a negative one".